When there is absence of light...

There is a demon inside that I fear I cannot control. He is intelligent, ruthless, and never ceases. He can take the most beautiful, serene, and honest moment and turn it into hell. He can make me want to pack up and quit on a whim at any moment and situation in my life. He takes any moment of self-respect and nullifies whatever confidence may be felt. He assures that sorrow, helplessness, and despair are never but a wave of emotions away. Very few things can overcome him (even if for the briefest moments) except self awareness and never ending understanding from those around me (which to date doesn’t exist). He causes me to lie, steal, treat others unkind, and never to be satisfied. To date, the will power I possess is no match for his callous omnipresent tentacles. He understands my true deepest desires and goals and assures that these are the accomplishments furthermost from experiencing. The only solace I can confide is in the music that sweeps my emotions away (even if for just a couple of minutes). The music’s intoxicating veil lifts my soul and sheds light on the dark demon momentarily allowing my soul to briefly escape the dark side. The music always reveals our exaggerated fears and insecurities and our authentic self. But, alas, there is no match for the demons merciless thirst for self destruction. I have often felt a surreal sense of being out of body when the demon takes over. I can see what is happening as it occurs but I have no control of his appalling actions. Once I repopulate my actions the instantaneous feeling of guilt and regret render me in capable of being productive or expressive in any manner. The irony of it all is that when the demon is in control it is nothing of what I consider my true self, yet when he arrives no one is spared and I can confide in no one. The demon guarantees abstinence of light so Anhedonia permeates my soul.